my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
