the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
