i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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