to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
don't judge my taste in strippers
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
