If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Randomize
