if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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