I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
