why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
