sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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