if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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