Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Your cock deserves a montage
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I did not marry a roomba.
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