I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
