the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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