I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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