I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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