I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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