piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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