I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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