it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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