I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
