plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
