I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
