You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
