If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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