I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
