He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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