I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
