I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
