do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
