Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
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