I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
