True but thats because hes a fetus.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
