my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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