the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
