I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
NoShamevember. You game?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
