So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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