If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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