hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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