i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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