I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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