I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
