Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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