They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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