the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
