Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
