when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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