She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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