I wish I could teleport
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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