dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
home. puking in laundry basket.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
