Cold hands, warm shart.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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